Cleaning the room to cleanse the mind

From I MISS U

I’m currently cleaning my room but I decided to pause for 30 minutes because I feel like writing. When I clean my room, it’s usually because the room’s filthy or  because I have a lot in my mind. Today’s cleaning session was caused by both.

I realize that I have a tendency to be very childish & stubborn when I’m pissed off. I would snap at the people closest to me and talk in high tones suggesting I’m pissed and I’m not okay. Moreover, I’m blessed with a face that reflects my current emotions. Happy? Smiling all day long. Angry? Frowning at every single thing on this planet.

People who are emotionally mature, I believe, would be able to control themselves when their emotions aren’t at their best. It’s hard, I realize, but I want to get to that point because, honestly, I’m tired of acting like this.

I’m tired of showing off my emotions to the closest persons. I’m tired of not being able to express my dislike properly to strangers. I’m always at both ends of the expressive – non-expressive spectrum. I show off my emotions too much to people close to me that I affect their feelings, either positively or negatively, yet I have difficulties expressing my anger or negative emotions to strangers or people not close to me.

Usually, what I do is that when I feel really on the highest level of pissed off, I would snap at people only to regret it a few hours later. And, to hide my guilt, I’ll be cleaning my room or just reorganizing the stuff I have. It’s funny when I think about it, yet it’s immature. It’s something that has to change, and to change something so deep inside us is quite impossible.

I’m going to try different methods to act wiser when expressing my emotions and, if one of those methods succeed, I’ll recount the experience here.

– Sandra

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