There’s always a reason behind everything.
My grandfather died today. My grandmother died about 40 days ago.
I was given an assignment to analyze Toyo Ito’s U House about a week ago and I haven’t even started researching until now.
It’s a grieving house.
And I’m rediscovering songs that make my chest hurt, hurting to cry.
I’m not going to talk about how I spent time with my late grandparents. Those writings are reserved for the latest nights, for the most silent times, when the house is asleep.
I’d never lost a close family member before my grandparents, so when I lost my grandmother, I kind of fell. ‘Fell’, in a conceptual way. I refused to attend class during that day, I lost appetite, I lost interest in cleaning the house or cooking.. basically, I lost the desire to exist in the world. Not that I wanted to die, but I kind of wanted to disappear for a while and contemplate on everything. What I needed was shut myself, though in the end I couldn’t do so.
What made it worse for me, after both of them died, was that I’m thousands of kilometers away. Not just me, but also my siblings and my father. Some of my cousins and uncles and aunts, too. We were all close to my mother’s parents. The last time we saw both of them was around three years ago, before moving here. It was a huge shock for all of us, but we had to endure it.
Now, while analyzing Toyo Ito’s U House, I realize one thing. While grieving, what we needed was time to let the sadness out, time to indulge in the sadness, time to hide from the world, and time to let go of everything. People have their own ways in dealing with death, because death is such a common thing, though to some death may be new due to lack of experience of losing someone dear.
We love to drown ourselves in the sadness, but afterwards comes a point where we stand up and decide to move on with life, because life keeps going on and the dead will never return. It’s as simple as that, when said or written with words. It sounded simple that I really like writing stories where my characters lose someone very dear to them in the most unexpected time.
Now, having experienced the loss, I know that what I wrote was fake. It was too polished. A loss is always painful, though the time we take to let go of that pain varies.
Rest in peace, Opa. I pray you live eternal happiness with Oma by your side, in Allah’s heaven.